


Sod Off and Hand Me My Sword

by MarchForOurGays



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Arthur Has A Cult Following Because Of His Arse, Do Not Fuck With Uther Pendragon, Everyone has foam swords and they duel each other every chance they get, Fluff and Crack, Gwaine and Percival are basically High Functioning Alcoholics, Hunith Is The Mum We All Deserve, Jeremy Kyle Is God, Multi, They're All Gay, and yes he still is a clotpole, arthur is still a prince
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-05-07
Updated: 2018-08-08
Packaged: 2018-10-29 09:38:41
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 3,639
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10851318
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MarchForOurGays/pseuds/MarchForOurGays
Summary: twmffat has added clotpole, magicbitch, Gw(h)en, medicinalman, Leon, percivalismydaddy, and teenytiny to the group Royal Arseholesclotpole:BUT IM THE NEXT FUCKING KING OF ENGLANDmagicbitch:NO ONE GIVES A SHITclotpole:I COULD HAVE YOU EXECUTED IF I WANTED TOpercivalismydaddy:like you would ever do thatclotpole:TRY ME YOU SODDING BASTARDSclotpole:IM GETTING ALL OF YOUR WARRANTS NOW SO HAtwmffat:if i let you fuck me can i get a stay of execution?clotpole:ALL OF YOU EXCEPT MERLIN HAVE SIGNED EXECUTION WARRANTS AND THEY WILL BE DELIVERED SHORTLY





	1. To The Dungeons We Go

**Author's Note:**

> Hai! And welcome to the chat fic Sod Off and Hand Me My Sword! 
> 
>  
> 
> Usernames: 
> 
>  
> 
> twmffat: Merlin (Twmffat means idiot in Welsh, Arthur chose Merlin's name of course)
> 
>  
> 
> clotpole: Arthur (duh, Merlin got revenge on his boyfriend....) 
> 
>  
> 
> magicbitch: Morgana
> 
>  
> 
> Gw(h)en: Gwen 
> 
>  
> 
> medicinalman: Gaius 
> 
>  
> 
> I don't even have to point out the obvious name but he's gonna change it soon
> 
>  
> 
> percivalismydaddy: Gwaine (duh, again)
> 
>  
> 
> teenytiny: Percival (I couldn't help myself!!! *squee!*)
> 
>  
> 
> Let's hope and pray we make through this shitstorm alive. God help us all!!

 

 

 _You have entered the group:_ **Royal Arseholes**

 

 **twmffat:** Arthur you idiot wtf have you done now Gwen just called and said that you were taken to hospital 

 

 

 **clotpole:** sod off Merlin, not telling

 

 

 **magicbitch:** he was trying to sneak into your dorm by climbing through the window

 

 

 **twmffat:** but like,,, my dorm's on the fourth floor

 

 

 **clotpole:** I was trying to scare you 

 

 

 **percivalismydaddy:** you had roses and freakishly expensive champagne in one hand while you climbed up to Merlin's window

 

 

 **clotpole:** GWAINE YOU ARE NOT HELPING 

 

 

 **percivalismydaddy:** not trying to sweetheart just stirring shit like always 

 

 

 **Gw(h)en:** that's not surprising in the least

 

 

 **percivalismydaddy:** i think i also saw a small black box in Arthur's pocket 

 

 

 **twmffat:** wait WHAT

 

 

 **clotpole:** GWAINE I DID NOT HAVE A ENGAGEMENT RING IN MY BACK POCKET ALL I HAD WAS THE CHAMPAGNE AND THE ROSES BECAUSE IT'S OUR TWO YEAR ANNIVERSARY, I WANTED TO BE ROMANTIC AND ADVENTUROUS OKAY

 

 

 **percivalismydaddy:** HA

 

 

 **clotpole:** FUCK

 

 

 **clotpole:** YOU'RE DEAD GWAINE 

 

 

 **percivalismydaddy:** dos i chwara dy nain    _go finger your granny_

 

 

 **clotpole:** drewgi siffilitig      _syphilitic stink dog_

 

 

 **percivalismydaddy:**  twll tin    _asshole_

 

 

 **clotpole:** cachwr   _shitter_

 

 

 **m** **agicbitch:** can you both stop having a welsh 'I can swear better than you' contest please some of us are stupid, mainly Merlin

 

 

 **twmffat:** WHAT THE FUCK DID I DO?

 

 

 **magicbitch:** you started dating Arthur.....

 

 

 **Leon:** HOLY SHITE

 

 

 **magicbitch:** Leon when did you become part of this conversation?

 

 

 **Leon:** about 30 seconds ago when you called our smol bean stupid

 

 

 **medicinalman:** why am i a part of this?

 

 

 **teenytiny:** because you're level headed all the fucking time professor

 

 

 **magicbitch:** even when prof g is high?

 

 

 **medicinalman:** what I do outside of campus is my own business 

 

 

 **twmffat:** i caught you smoking in the teachers lounge last week

 

 

 **twmffat:** you even offered uther a joint

 

 

 **clotpole:** wait wHAT

 

 

 **medicinalman:** damnit Merlin 

 

 

  **twmffat:** nOTHING BBY 

 

 

 **magicbitch:** that's not the first time I've caught uther with something illegal

 

 

 **clotpole:** WHAT ELSE DO I NOT FUCKING KNOW?

 

 

 **magicbitch:** if u would stop shagging Merlin every five bloody seconds you might realize the weird shit out father does, brother

 

 

 

  **clotpole:** hEY IT'S NOT MY FAULT THAT I DON'T WANT TO GO SEE THAT ASSHOLE

 

 

 **magicbitch:** tru

 

 

 **clotpole:** but seriously im lonely someone come see me in hospital im dying on my own 

 

 

 **Leon:** sorry mate,, got class

 

 

 **Gw(h)en:** everyone has class dumbarse

 

 

 **clotpole:** WHAT ABOUT ME?!! DO MY FEELINGS NOT MATTER 

 

 

 **percivalismydaddy:** not really mate

 

 

 **clotpole:** BUT IM THE NEXT FUCKING KING OF ENGLAND ,

 

 

 **magicbitch:** NO ONE GIVES A SHIT

 

 

 **clotpole:** I COULD HAVE YOU EXECUTED IF I WANTED TO

 

 

 **percivalismydaddy:** like you would ever do that

 

 

 **clotpole:** TRY ME YOU SODDING BASTARDS 

 

 

 **clotpole:** IM GETTING ALL OF YOUR WARRANTS NOW SO HA

 

 

 **twmffat:** if i let you fuck me can I get a stay of execution?

 

 

 **clotpole:** ALL OF YOU EXCEPT MERLIN HAVE SIGNED EXECUTION WARRANTS AND THEY WILL BE DELIVERED SHORTLY

 

 

 **teenytiny:** BRING IT THEN

 

 

 

**30 Minutes Later....**

 

 

 **Gw(h)en:** ARTHUR WHY ARE TWO ROYAL GUARDS DRAGGING ME TO THE DUNGEON DURING CLASS

 

 

 **percivalismydaddy:** WHATTHEFUCK

 

 

 **clotpole:** BOW DOWN BITCHES,,, IM THE FUCKING KING 

 

 

 **magicbitch:** NOT YET 

 

 

 **clotpole:** I WILL execute you at dawn Morgana.....

 

 

 **magicbitch:** fite me little bro

 

 

 

 


	2. A cult starting arse

 

_You have entered the group_ **Royal Arseholes**

 

 

 

**magicbitch:** ARTHUR IM IN A DUNGEON 

 

 

**clotpole:** whats your point

 

 

**magicbitch:** IM.

 

 

 

**magicbitch:** IN. 

 

 

**magicbitch:** A.

 

 

**magicbitch:** DUNGEON.

 

 

**Leon:** oh sHIT

 

 

**Gw(h)en:** BITCH U BETTAH RUN NOW 

 

 

**clotpole:** why

 

 

**clotpole:** oh FUCK ME IN THE ARSE

 

 

**twmffat:** well if you insist

 

 

**percivalismydaddy:** DEAD.

 

 

**teenytiny:** THEY GROW UP SO FAST I'M SO PROUD

 

 

**clotpole:** FUCK YOU ALL SOMEONE HELP ME 

 

 

**medicinalman:** May I ask a question?

 

 

**percivalismydaddy:** assk away oh high one 

 

 

**Gw(h)en:** *spits out water profusely 

 

 

**medicinalman:** Why is Morgana flying/chasing Arthur around the courtyard with him in hospital scrubs and all the rest of you were taken out of class by royal guards and now you're all laughing and taking pictures of Arthur's arse with your phones?

 

 

**Leon:** to sum it up professor Arthur was in hospital and we couldn't see him because we have classes and lives and so he said that we were going to be executed and taken to the dungeons, well all except for Merlin because he has a "Fuck me out of jail" free card and Morgana became super scary bitch and blew off all of the dungeon locks to escape and started flying/chasing Arthur round the yard

 

 

**percivalismydaddy:** and to answer your second question prof, we have started a cult that's based on the worshiping of Arthur's arse so we take pictures of it and pray/wank to them every night

 

 

**medicinalman:** dear God

 

 

**teenytiny:** our god is an arse 

 

 

**teenytiny:** specifically Arthur's arse

 

 

**clotpole:** IM DELETING

 

 

**percivalismydaddy:** WE WILL STILL WORSHIP YOU

 

 

**teenytiny:** SPECIFICALLY YOUR ARSE 

 

 

**magicbitch:** WHAT THE FUCK DID I JUST WALK INTO

 

 

**twmffat:** IDK BUT IMMA HOP ON THE HAIL ARTHUR'S ARSE TRAIN RN

 

 

**percivalismydaddy:** instead of putting the crown on your head on coronation day can you bend over and put the crown on your arse? 

 

 

**clotpole:** IM LEAVING

 

 

**clotpole:** MERLIN COME WITH ME 

 

 

**twmffat:** brb gonna smack dat arse 

 

 

**percivalismydaddy:** YOU ARE A GOD MERLIN 

 

 


	3. Never shag in a supply closet

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> IIIIIIIIMMMMMMMMM BAAAAAAAACCCCCCKKKKKKK!!!!!!!!!!
> 
> MERRY HOLIDAYS TO ALL, AND TO ALL A GOODNIGHT

 

_You have entered the group_ _:_ **Royal Arseholes**

 

**medicinalman:** can i ask a serious question?

 

**teenytiny:** ask away oh high one

 

**medicinalman** **:** where are Arthur, Merlin, and Leon? 

 

**medicinalman** : im asking because they're not in class and i just heard a moan from the supply closet next door

 

**magicbitch:** gaius what's 2+2

 

**medicinalman** : 4 but i don't see your point Morgana

 

**percivalismydaddy:** wait for it....

 

**medicinalman:** Oh.

 

**medicinalman:** Fuck.

 

**medicinalman:** please don't tell me they're having a threesome in a fucking supply closet

 

**Gw(h)en:** I JUST SNORTED GATORADE OUT MY NOSE OH MY GOD 

 

**teenytiny:** GAIUS I LOVE YOU I JUST FELL OUT OF MY CHAIR

 

**medicinalman:** i can see that Percival

 

**Leon:** WHAT THE BLEEDING FUCK DID I JUST READ?

 

**Leon:** okay, first of all, ew no, and second of all, im just keeping watch while the fucking wankers shag their happy little dicks off and i get caught up on my medieval history paper

 

**magicbitch:** WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT?

 

**Leon:** I DON'T BLOODY KNOW GAIUS HELP

 

**Leon:** be prepared of the sight of nudity and Merlin screaming bloody murder and a shit ton of soap and windex on the floor everywhere

 

**medicinalman:** damnit Merlin, all of you come i need emotional support, especially  Guinevere

 

**percivalismydaddy:** why specifically Gwen?

 

**Gw(h)en:** because im the keeper of the reefer 

 

**percivalismydaddy** _has changed_ **Gw(h)en's** name to  **keeperofthereefer**

 

**keeperofthereefer:** why

 

**percivalismydaddy:** why not 

 

**magicbitch:** dID I JUST SEE GAIUS GO FLYING DOWN THE HALLWAY ON HIS BACK 

 

**magicbitch:** AND WHY IS ARTHUR PASSED OUT OH MY GOD WE NEED JESUS

 

**keeperofthereefer:** babe Gaius just collided into a brick wall and he's passed out, Arthur can wait

 

**Leon:** SHIT 

 

**percivalismydaddy:** HOW DID THIS HAPPEN?

 

**keeperofthereefer:** ITS BECAUSE OF THE SOAP AND WINDEX THAT WAS SPILLED WHILE MERLIN AND ARTHUR WERE SHAGGING THE HORNY BASTARDS 

 

**twmffat:** FUCK OFF GWEN DON'T BLAME ME IT WAS ARTHUR 

 

**clotpole:** Merlin you were the one who kept banging on the wall which caused the shelves to collapse and for me to get knocked out by a bloody 10 pound paint can

 

**twmffat:** babe, dont be dramatic it was not a paint can it was a fucking metal teaspoon you fucking wimp

 

**teenytiny:** MERLIN ARE YOU BEING SERIOUS

 

**twmffat:** completely

 

**magicbitch:** AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHA

 

**clotpole:** FUCK OFF MORGANA 

 

**magicbitch:** NEVER

 

**Leon:** can someone PLEASE CALL 999

 

**clotpole:** what for

 

**Leon:** FOR GAIUS YOU FUCKING NUMPTY

 

**percivalismydaddy** _has changed_ **Leon's** _name to_ **youfuckingnumpty**

 

**youfuckingnumpty:** GWAINE NOW IS NOT THE TIME 

 

**percivalismydaddy:** THERE IS ALWAYS A TIME 

 

**youfuckingnumpty:** SOMEONE FUCKING CALL 999 

 

**keeperofthereefer:** already have, they're on the way 

 

**keeperofthereefer:** why am i the only fucking sane person in this group 

 

**clotpole:** i am 

 

**teenytiny:**  BITCH YOU THOUGHT 

 

**keeperofthereefer:** ALL OF Y'ALL GET IN THE FUCKING AMBULANCE

 

**percivalismydaddy:** y'all

 

**keeperofthereefer:** FUCK OFF GWAINE 

 

**percivalismydaddy:** yes mum

 

**magicbitch:** I am Morgana Pendragon and I approve of this message ^^^

 

**keeperofthereefer:** get in the fucking ambulance

 

**magicbitch:** yes dear

 


	4. Don't add Dad to the GC

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Don't fuck with Uther Pendragon.....Literally all I have to say

 

 

_You have entered the group:_ **Royal Arseholes**

 

**clotpole:** all in favour of executing Gwaine say aye

 

**magicbitch:**  Aye

 

**keeperofthereefer:** aye

 

**medicinalman:** this goes against my code of conduct but it's gwaine so aye

 

**twmffat:** AYE

 

**youfuckingnumpty:** AYE FUCKING AYE

 

**teenytiny:** w o w but also aye tbh 

 

**percivalismydaddy:** B E T R A Y E D 

 

**percivalismydaddy:** BY MY OWN BOYFRIEND W O W 

 

**percivalismydaddy:** YOU KNOW WHAT ARTHUR PENDRAGON 

 

**clotpole:** what gwaine

 

**percivalismydaddy:** IM CALLING IN THE CAVALRY

 

**percivalismydaddy** _has added_ **UtherP.** _to the group_

 

**magicbitch:** wHAT

 

**clotpole:** OHFUCKNO 

 

**magicbitch:** GWAINE YOURE SO DEAD WHEN I GET MY HANDS ON YOU 

 

**UtherP.:** Well hello to you too Arthur, Morgana

 

**magicbitch:** hi dad 

 

**clotpole:** hi dad 

 

**percivalismydaddy:** "daddy"

 

**clotpole:** GWAINE NO 

 

**keeperofthereefer:** I JUST SPAT OUT MY DRINK

 

**twmffat:** GWAINE I LOVE YOU KEEP GOING 

 

**percivalismydaddy:** im not going to believe that statement merlin but i will keep going just because i like to torture arthur and morgana, but mostly arthur tbh bc morgana is scary as shit when she's mad

 

**magicbitch:** yeah well i'm mad now gwaine 

 

**percivalismydaddy:** Oh. 

 

**percivalismydaddy:** Fuck.

 

**youfuckingnumpty:** good luck with that one mate

 

**percivalismydaddy:** fuck you too leon 

 

**UtherP.:** Pardon the interruption because this is quite amusing but, why am I in here?

 

**percivalismydaddy:** for the specific point of torturing arthur and morgana your majesty, because arthur sent out a message asking the gc if i should be executed and everyone said aye so,,,

 

**UtherP.:** Well, I haven't been given a vote on this, yes?

 

**percivalismydaddy:** you can have a vote your majesty

 

**UtherP.:** Aye

 

**UtherP.:** To be honest with you Gwaine, you're really fucking bothersome

 

**UtherP.:** Oh, and also, when you fuck with a Pendragon, you fuck with ALL of the Pendragons

 

**youfuckingnumpty:** did i just 

 

**youfuckingnumpty:** witness Uther Pendragon

 

**youfuckingnumpty:** the king of fucking england 

 

**youfuckingnumpty:** completely and utterly OBLITERATE gwaine

 

**youfuckingnumpty:** over three

 

**youfuckingnumpty:** fucking THREE

 

**youfuckingnumpty:** texts?

 

**youfuckingnumpty:** I AM DEAD 

 

**medicinalman:** meanwhile in class gwaine has been hanging his mouth open for the past ten minutes

 

**twmffat:** meanwhile in class gaius has been trying to suppress his growing laughter for the past fifteen minutes

 

**medicinalman:** merlin do you want a 100 on you essay i know you worked so hard on or not

 

**twmffat:** kay ill shut up now 

 

**clotpole:** YES THAT'S MY DAD GO DAD

 

**magicbitch:** HELL YEAH DAD

 

**UtherP.:** First of all, at the beginning neither of you wanted me in here, you were using language such as "wHAT" and "OHFUCKNO" so don't you dare try and get on my good side now

 

**UtherP.:** And second of all, since I have roasted Arthur, Morgana, and Gwaine now, I might just roast everyone else now.

 

**UtherP.:** Leon, please detangle your hair, it looks like a rat's nest every time I see it and i see you pretty much everyday. Percival, please for the love of god calm Gwaine down every once in a while, and the suspicious gain in muscle mass specifically on your biceps have me wondering if you've been taking steroids which, I outlawed fifteen years ago. Merlin, PLEASE STOP SHAGGING MY SON IN THE ROOM NEXT TO MINE, I DO NOT WANT TO HEAR ANY MORE "fuck me Arthur please" AND I DO NOT WANT TO HEAR HOW BIG MY SON'S COCK IS. Gwen and Gaius, you're both perfect in every way, never change.

 

**teenytiny:** WHAT HAVE I DONE TO DESERVE THIS?

 

**UtherP.:** You were born.

 

**medicinalman:** apply cool water to area of burn arthur, merlin, gwaine, leon, percival, and morgana. 

 

**clotpole:** you know what FUCK YOU GAIUS AND FUCK YOU DAD 

 

**UtherP.:** Well, I did fuck your mother to create you so there was fucking to bring you into this world Arthur.

 

**keeperofthereefer:** I AM DEAD. LITERALLY.

 

**UtherP.:** Please don't die Gwen, the earth would be at an extreme loss without your bright mind and personality.

 

**keeperofthereefer:** IM CRYING TEARS OF JOY. I FEEL LIKE I'VE JUST BEEN ANOINTED.

 

**UtherP.:** Anyway, later losers *drops mic* Although, I might stick around, this has been quite amusing. Gaius, do you want to go to the teacher's lounge?

 

**medicinalman:** absolutely my king. gwen, might i have the bag of stuff your username is based off of?

 

**keeperofthereefer:** of course, have fun you two

 

**keeperofthereefer:** morgana, your dad is a saint

 

**magicbitch:** more like satan

 

**UtherP.** _has changed their name to_ **Satan**

 

**Satan:** MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

 

**clotpole:** GOD SAVE US 

 

**Satan:** GOD CAN'T SAVE YOU NOW

 

**twmffat:** AAAAAAHHHHHHHH

 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A (1) in my Inbox is all I need in life


	5. Parents Talking Shit About Their Children Is Comedy Gold

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I've added Hunith, dear God, please don't corrupt Hunith. She deserves the world.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, it's been more than a year since I started this fic and I just have to say thank you to all of the readers for giving me such positive feedback and so, so much love and support. I promise to be more consistent in my chapter writing since summer's coming up soon for me and that's more time to write!!
> 
>  
> 
> I love you all,
> 
> MarchForOurGays

 

**clotpole** _has created a group with_ **mumofthecentury**

 

 

 

 **mumofthecentury:** Hello Arthur, what have I been summoned for?

 

 **clotpole:** Hi Hunith, if you could please tell you son to stop spraying me with Dettol that would be lovely

 

 **mumofthecentury:** Arthur, I've told you and your friends to just call me Mum

 

 **mumofthecentury:** And yes, I will talk to Merlin for you

 

 **clotpole:** You are a saint, mum

 

 **mumofthecentury:** Anytime, Arthur

 

 

**clotpole** _has renamed the group_ **'Emergency Mum'**

 

_You have left the group_ **'Emergency Mum'**

 

 

**********************************************

 

 

_You have entered the group_ **'Shit Talking Our Progeny'**

 

 

 

 **mumofthecentury:** Uther can you buy Arthur and Merlin a lorry full of Dettol for Christmas 

 

 **Satan:** Done, but why?

 

 **mumofthecentury:** Just to be a little shit and tease both of them 

 

 **Satan:** that's the best reason I've ever heard

 

 **medicinalman:** is this about Merlin dousing Arthur in dettol 

 

 **mumofthecentury:** right on it gaius 

 

 **medicinalman:** arthur's been bitching about it in class for the past 20 minutes, he thinks I don't notice or hear. i am old, but i'm not deaf

 

 **Satan:** Pause for just a second 

 

 

***************************************

 

 

_You have entered the group_ **'Satan and Son'**

 

 

 **Satan:** Arthur get off of your mobile and stop bitching about being doused in dettol

 

 **clotpole:** HOW THE FUCK DO YOU KNOW WHAT I'M DOING

 

 **Satan:** just get off your mobile

 

_You have left the group_ **'Satan and Son'**

 

**************************************

 

_You have entered the group_ **'Shit Talking Our Progeny'**

 

 

 **medicinalman:** UTHER THAT WAS BLOODY FUCKING BRILLIANT I CAN'T STOP FUCKING LAUGHING

 

 **mumofthecentury:** SEND A VIDEO

 

**medicinalman: pissedoffprince.jpg**

 

 **Satan:** DEAR GOD I'M USING THAT FOR BLACKMAIL

 

_You have left the group_ **'Shit Talking Our Progeny'**

 

************************************

 

 

**percivalismydaddy** _sent a message to_ **Satan, medicinalman,** _and_ **mumofthecentury**

 

 

 **percivalismydaddy:** I DON'T KNOW WHICH OF YOU MADE ARTHUR FLIP HIS SHIT BUT THANK YOU WE ARE FUCKING DYING 

 

 **medicinalman:** all three of us had a part in arthur losing his shit actually

 

 **percivalismydaddy:** GOD BLESS YOU ALL I OWE YOU LADS A PINT 

 

*****************************************

 

_You have entered the group_ **'Royal Arseholes'**

 

 

**percivalismydaddy: ALLHAILOURPARENTS.jpg**

 

 **magicbitch:** BLESS OUR ELDERS 

 

 **clotpole:** NO FUCK THEM 

 

 **youfuckingnumpty:** THEY CREATED THE MOST HILARIOUS MOMENT I HAVE EVER SEEN ALL HAIL

 

 

**twmffat** _has added_ **mumofthecentury** _to the group_

 

 **twmffat:** THATS MY MUM RIGHT THERE GO 

 

 **teenytiny:** aHEM OUR MUM YOU MEAN

 

 **keeperofthereefer:** ALL HAIL MUM 

 

 **mumofthecentury:** *graciously bows*

 

 **clotpole:** goddamnit fine ALL HAIL MUM 

 

 **twmffat:** i wont spray you with dettol anymore now 

 

 **clotpole:** BLESS THE GODS 

 

 

 


	6. All Hail Jezza and Fireflies

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> honestly, i am really bad at updating this but I LOVE WRITING IT! CAN YOU TELL? 
> 
>  
> 
> All glory to the Hypnotoad, 
> 
> MarchForOurGays

 

 

_You have entered the group_ **'Royal Arseholes'**

 

 

**percivalismydaddy:** MERLIN CAN YOU PLEASE COME GET YOUR BOYFIREND HE'S BEEN PLAYING FUCKING IM TO SEXY FOR MY SHIRT AND ICE ICE BABY FOR FOUR. FUCKING. HOURS.

 

**clotpole:** LET ME LIVE GWAINE 

 

**percivalismydaddy:** FUCK NO YOU HAVE A BLOODY HORRIBLE TASTE IN MUSIC 

 

**youfuckingnumpty:** says the person who listens to Friday, Crank That (Soulja Boy), and Never Gonna Give You Up

 

**twmffat:** hEY i resent that statement NGGYU is a banger

 

**magic** **bitch:** tru tho, i used to rickroll a shit ton of people, hell i still do 

 

**magicbitch:** hey merlin remember when i sent out to a bunch of people a supposed video of you and arthur's sex tape

 

**twmffat:** regrettably yeah

 

**magicbitch:** it was just a rickroll and i cried laughinf for hours 

 

**teenytiny:** Gwaine and i are still royally pissed off about that morgana 

 

**clotpole:** percy what the actual fuck

 

**keeperofthereefer:** Im just trying to watch jeremy kyle bloody hell

 

**twmffat:** I BLOODY LOVE JEZZA CAN I COME OVER PLS

 

**keeperofthereefer:** as long as you bring a sacrifice for the god of drama then yes :)

 

**twmffat:** does tequila work?

 

**keeperofthereefer:** if its patron then yes

 

**twmffat:** ill be over in 10

 

**percivalismydaddy:** WHICH EPISODE IT IT?

 

**keeperofthereefer:** the bloke who won't stop eating cereal

 

**percivalismydaddy:** IM COMING OVER SAVE SOME TEQUILA 

 

**teenytiny:** wherever gwaine goes i go plus i love jezza 

 

**keeperofthereefer:** fine but you both must bring sacrifices for jezza the god

 

**percivalismydaddy:** JEZZA IS LOVE JEZZA IS LIFE

 

**clotpole:** GWAINE STOP BRINGING YOUR SHITE SHREK MEMES INTO THIS

 

**percivalismydaddy:** To Quote Our Most Hated Prince: LET ME LIVE 

 

**clotpole:** FUCK OFF YOU DICKWIPE

 

**keeperofthereefer:** IF YOU TWO ARSEHOLES WONT STOP INSULTING EACHOTHER I WONT LET YOU WATCH JEZZA 

 

**clotpole:** you just insulted us

 

**keeperofthereefer:** SHUT 

 

**medicinalman:** who's jezza?

 

**youfuckingnumpty:** wHAT DID YOU JUST SAY 

 

**twmffat:** GASP

 

**magicbitch:** GAIUS NEEDS TO BE EDUCATED ON THE GOD HIMSELF JEZZA

 

**Satan:** Gaius, you need to update your lifestyle how can you not know Jezza?

 

**clotpole:** wait dad i thought you were meeting with the cheeto today?

 

**Satan:** after five minutes I kicked him out and banned him from our country

 

**magicbitch:** thank fuck

 

**Satan:** Now i'm bored and there's paparazzi outside the palace and I want to get the fuck away

 

**keeperofthereefer:** Uther

 

**Satan:** Yes?

 

**keeperofthereefer:** do you want to come and watch Jezza with us?

 

**Satan:** PLEASE 

 

**Satan:** Do I need to bring a sacrifice for the Jezza alter?

 

**keeperofthereefer:** you kicked golden showers out of the UK i think you've earned a free sacrificial pass for the rest of the week

 

**Satan:** They say I'm the king, but Gwen really holds the crown in this family

 

**magicbitch:** dad can you PLEASE stop flirting with my girlfriend

 

**keeperofthereefer:** he's fine love 

 

**Satan:** I have arrived with Gaius

 

**youfuckingnumpty:** that was quick

 

**percivalismydaddy:** I have a fun game in mind

 

**clotpole:** dear god what is it

 

**percivalismydaddy:** we take a shot every time jezza says "do one" and two shots when he curses 

 

**twmffat:** we'll probably die of alcohol poisoning then

 

**percivalismydaddy:** thats the point merlin

 

**youfuckingnumpty:** someone turn on the fucking telly

 

 

**Many, Many Shots Later....**

 

**keeperofthereefer:** current state of sexual politics: a man chasing jezza around the room with a red thong covered in hair

 

**clotpole:** woh are u net drunkpijoifdbvfdgbs

 

**keeperofthereefer:** im not a lightweight like you are Arthur

 

**twmffat:** you pinned morgana to your sofa and made out with her for twenty minutes after she came back from the loo

 

**keeperofthereefer:** bugger off merlin

 

**Satan:** well, at least we know who's the top

 

**youfuckingnumpty:** GWAINE SNORTED TEQUILA UP HIS NOSE JESUS FUCK

 

**clotpole:** meanwhile gaiushas been glued to the telly for around four hours now 

 

**magicbitch:** how are you coherent now

 

**teenytiny:** how can you be coherent over text 

 

**magicbitch:** fuck off im drunk percy

 

**youfuckingnumpty:** THAT we can clearly see

 

**magicbitch:** LET ME LIVE GWAINE

 

**twmffat:** can we please turn let me live into a meme

 

**clotpole:** ABSOLUTELY NOT 

 

**keeperofthereefer:** fuck it why not

 

**twmffat:** i listen to gwen more than i do you so its now a meme

 

**teenytiny:** lol everyone listens to gwen more than their own gut instincts

 

**magicbitch:** ^^^^^ facts

 

**percivalismydaddy:** QUICK JEZZA JUST CURSED 

 

**clotpole:** DAMMIT

 

**teenytiny:** IM NOT STRONG ENOUGH

 

**percivalismydaddy:** YOU FUCKING BABIES 

 

**medicinalman:** are we still continuing the song conversation as well? Because I have an opinion

 

**twmffat:** what is it gaius?

 

**medicinalman:** Fireflies by Owl City was and still is a banger

 

**clotpole:** GAIUS OH MY GOD

 

**Satan:** JESUS FUCK 

 

**twmffat:** gaius has 'Thong Song' as his ringtone

 

**magicbitch:** NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

 

**medicinalman:** LET ME LIVE DAMMIT 

 

**twmffat:** told you it would become a meme

 

**clotpole:** WILL YOU FUCK OFF ALREADY 

 

**clotpole:** LET ME LIVE

 

**twmffat: -_-** boi BOI

 

**clotpole:** FUCK


	7. You are cordially invited to the roasting and wedding of....

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You all asked for roasts, you get em'

 

 

_You have entered the group_ **'Royal Arseholes'**

 

 

 **clotpole:** MERLINNNNNNNNNN

 

 **twmffat:** what arsehat 

 

 **clotpole:** rude

 

 **clotpole:** can you bring me an ice lolly from the freezer please?

 

 **twmffat:** no

 

 **clotpole:** but whyyyyyyy

 

 **twmffat:** you're five fucking feet from the freezer 

 

 **clotpole:** you're three

 

 **twmffat:** ARTHUR 

 

 **clotpole:** i will literally marry you if you get me an ice lolly

 

 **percivalismydaddy:** he's been planning this for months

 

 **clotpole:** gwaine when did you enter the bloody conversation

 

 **percivalismydaddy:** just now

 

 **keeperofthereefer:** gwaine shut the fuck up i want to see what merlin's reaction is 

 

 **youfuckingnumpty:** and that was the first time i've ever seen gwaine perish in seconds

 

 **percivalismydaddy:** leon no

 

 **youfuckingnumpty:** sometimes i can still hear his voice

 

 **magicbitch:** leon is the new meme god

 

 **percivalismydaddy:** wait WHAT 

 

 **percivalismydaddy:** MY CROWN HAS BEEN TAKEN FROM ME PERCY DEFEND MY HONOUR

 

 **Satan:** Gwaine when did anyone say that your have honour

 

 **percivalismydaddy:** LET ME LIVE

 

 **medicinalman:** how about,,,, no

 

 **percivalismydaddy:** IM SOBBING

 

 **teenytiny:** no, he's laughing

 

 **percivalismydaddy:** PERCY WHY

 

 **teenytiny:** why not

 

 **mumofthecentury:** Stop bullying Gwaine you lot

 

 **percivalismydaddy:** THANK YOU MUM 

 

 **mumofthecentury:** I wasn't finished,

 

 **mumofthecentury:** Let me have a go at him

 

 **percivalismydaddy:** WHAT THE ACTUAL BLEEDING FUCK MUM WHY

 

 **mumofthecentury:** why not

 

 **Satan:** Hunith is the new roast god

 

 **youfuckingnumpty:** who was the previous roast god

 

 **Satan:** Me, but I will happily give up my crown to see that bloody amazing obliteration again in my lifetime

 

 **magicbitch:** wait where's M&A?

 

 **Satan:** Yes, where are they?

 

 **keeperofthereefer:** arthur proposed to merlin over text so i have no idea what happened after that 

 

 **mumofthecentury:** you all owe me fifty pounds each

 

 **teenytiny:** how is mum not god 

 

 

**keeperofthereefer** _has changed_ **mumofthecentury's** _name to_ **God**

 

 

 **magicbitch:** WE ARE NOT WORTHY

 

 **clotpole:** I HAVE MET GOD, SHE IS A WOMAN

 

 **God:** Thank you Arthur but I have to ask, are you and my son getting married?

 

 **twmffat:** hi mum and,,,

 

 **twmffat:** pause for dramatic effect,,,,,

 

 **clotpole:** for fucks sake yes

 

 **magicbitch:** FINALLY 

 

 **youfuckingnumpty:** CHRIST IT TOOK YOU TWO LONG ENOUGH

 

 **Satan:** I just realized, I GET TO HAVE HUNITH AS AN INLAW

 

 **youfuckingnumpty:** YOU LUCKY BASTARD 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A (1) in my Inbox is all I need in life

**Author's Note:**

> Comments and Kudos feed my heart and soul <3


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